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Toadstool's Journal
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries.
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2002.08.26 18.50
hi everyone!
hi just wanted to let everyone know, how colege is right now. it's so much fun! yay! but i do miss all of my old friends and especially u cous. still need to see ya sometime =(. well, i'm soree about the short post gotta do some homework before i go out. love ya all!
Mood:  chipper
Music: Overdue=The Get Up Kids
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2002.07.09 00.28
alive, but who knows if i'm well
god, i'm going to college, i have 2 jobs, and as i step into this wonderful world of adulthood, i look back and say, WTF?!?!?! i mean, WTF?!?!?! heh, gues i stole that from some one else, but it is the truth. so many things have been going on lately, it's hard to tell what i'm thinking. it's hard to sort things out. and i never know what to do anymore. i'm lost sometimes. my mind races to figure things out. my heart aches, over and over. but not because i love someone i can't have, but lost many i've loved. and am still losing bc friends are leaving for college. what hurts worse is when they tell u that u had never loved them. that really hurts. that reaaaaally hurts. and i wish i could stop crying at night. i wish i could stop the pain. i wish i didn't have to live this god-forsaken life any more. is this really real? is this a dram? and why the hell am i typing this ne ways? no one ever reads these damn things.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore. and when i think i've figured it out, i get all confused again. nothing is right. nothing like i wanted it to be. but when is it ever? i want things to be right again. i want things to fall in place. i'm tired of things being wrong all the damn time. i know the way that they're supposed to happen, but what if i want it another? but "what if's" always go on forever. and no one ever wants to hear bad shit.
so why don't i tell u the good? i'm going to a good college, my dad's paying for it, and sway is doing great. she's still a beauty. the end.
well, bye u all. good night and sleep tight. don't let the bug beds bite. hehe...that's a good quote too. love ya all.
Mood:  distressed
Music: a throbbing headache with a little Supervixen==Garbage
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2002.05.30 00.07
mmm
well, life's been eventful. Obviously since i haven't written much. been doin lotsa interesting stuff. Like livin it up, graduatin, being a better friend..u know the important stuff...rather than sulking on here about everything ese that's goin on. My honey's still good. Maybe i can take him to dindin tomorrow, to where i have no idea =). WEll, gotta go, talk to ya'lls later. Gotta wake up early for this thingy...errr.
Mood:  sleepy
Music: down with the sickness
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2002.04.17 12.31
yoyo....i've been bouncin like a yoyo
dang this week has been so freakin busy! ahhhh! hehe, oh well, i'll get over it. =) so what's up wit ya'lls? i never hear much from ne one on these stupid things. But i guess that's how people are. You see who truly cares about u =). Love u matt!!! hehe. ne ways, i'm doin some more hw, then i'll be free for da night!! hehe...except for track that is. I have that til like laaaaate. Aww, dang i wanna go to dinner with Matt's fam tonight but i have track. =(well gotta go! love ya all. :*
Mood: cheerful
Music: Smurf's introductinon theme--"lalalalalalalalalalala"
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2002.04.10 12.09
sohieverybody.godspringbreakwasalright,butigotsunburnedandthatsucked.Yeahiknowi'mwritingeverythingtogetherbecauseidoubtanyofyouguysevenbotherreadingthisdamnjournal.Atleastthat'showifeel.newaysigottagofinishmycalc.yeahit'sboring.godican'twaitforcollege.Atleasti'llbeawayfriomitall.Awayfrommydumbasspeers.Godtheirevennicetome.Idon'tknowwhyisaythat.Maybebecausei'mjealousbecausetheyalwaysseemhappytome.Atleastifeeltheyalwaysseemhappy.ifigurethiswebsitewillbegonesoontoojustlikeeveryotherwebsiteidownload(orprogram)butthatnevermatters.Godthislifesucks.Butnoonecares.Thesuckiestpartisthatyouhavetocareandotherscan'tcareaboutyouforyou.Causeisuredon'twanttocareaboutme.Maybethat'swhyifeelineedsomeonetobewithmostofthetime.Causeineedtofeelloved.Buthowisthiswhenmostofthetimei'mtryingtogetawayfromothers?it'sthisconstantcycleofmenotwantingtobetheattentionandwantingit.Ormaybeifeeelikemyfriendshatemebecausethay'llsaythingstoyouthatmakethemseemliketheyhateyou.ohwell.iuesi'llfinishexplainingmydilemalaterwhenigotthetime.cyaalllater..sometime.
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2002.03.25 12.12
| You are Stupendous
Man!You are simply amazing, whether you are battling your arch-nemesis Mom Lady, the
nefarious Babysitter Girl, or the fiendish Annoying Girl. And you have absolutely nothing to do with mild-mannered
Calvin.
Take the What
Calvin are You? Quiz by contessina_2000@yahoo.com! |
Mood: chipper
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2002.03.25 12.03
well nothing raelly to do today..well except homework. Dang it is snowing a whole heck of a lot!! woot woot! hopefully we'll have school off tomorrow. Dang i really need money. Maybe i'll get some for easter and can go shopping and get those damn tennisshoes i want! they prolly won't even be there still, but i can always check and drive to canton ne ways. Maybe i'll meet up with my cous..or maybe ashleybabe will come with me =). muah muah muah. I can't speak to day. It;'s been so dull today. and i took forver to get up for school. i was like up at 6:00...with a whole hour of nothing to do. but it took me like 20 min just to do my make-up and hair. usually it takes me like 5. So i was almost late for schol...derrrr. and i've just been derr all weekend. It didn't even feel like a weekend. School doesn't exist ne more. I jsut walk through hallways from class to class and see people i know. Then i go to class and do nothing but sit there and mindlessly copy down notes until the bell rings. Ugh..sooo boring. Then i go to track and have the time of my life...except when it's snowing...then i go home eat some quick sandwich and go back to track. Too bad i have to find a suit for my interview wed. There's like 6 other seniors going for the interview, and the scholarship is the highest scholarship available....soooooo nervous. I donno when me and mom r going out to get it, but i really wanna look good as well as professional. Atleast that's what i'm hoping bc i know mo will some how screw up the whole dream. ahhh i always have dreams that she likes to mess up. mmmm i'm warming up now...been cold for the last two periods...brrr, but ashleybabe gave me her sweatshirt. Does ne body really reaad these stupid jourrnals? i sometimes wonder...i wish people did, they i would know i'm actually talking to peeps.
Mood:  cold
Music: mmmm, can't think right now....maybe more music later
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2002.03.18 12.26
ashleybabe is here, poor girl, she looks kinda sad. Yeah, i'm alright, but today's gonna suck except for track. It's pretty much the only thing that's motivating me today. I def don't want to go home...well maybe to go to sleep...but i don't really wanna go and "chat"with my ma. she always wants to talk about someting. You know, the thing mom's and g-ma's always wanna ask: "how r u darling?" and "how was school?"... er senseless nonsense. I'd reather talk about something interesting..like how the war in afghanistan and Iraq is going. The other day she asked me why i've been so depressed lately. I just wanted to yell "it's you and ur damn bitchyness!!!" well. Of course i'll prolly never tell her that...atleast until i'm away and she's not paying for my food and room ne more. gene's always telling em how nice it is to be away from home. I only wish he'd take me withhim sometimes. well. Instead i lied to her and told her my track coaches were kinda bothering me (tho they really are alittle bc they just don't want to help me get ne better). So she told me to be more "friendly"and that i should talk to people more and stop trying to jsut use the coaches as a coach and more of as a friend. I kinda disagree. I told her asking the coaches "how r u" all the time kinda reminds me of a "suck-up". I dunnno maybe i'm not sociable. Maybe i do hate everybody. well atleast she seems to think so.. however when i want to go out on the weekends she bitches to me about how i'm always out with my friends and that i'm "toooooo sociable". Tho i think the real thing she's trying to hint at is that i'm not being scoiable with the fam at tall... but i don'treally LIKE her. buti guess that's my prob. I mean i do constantly talk to my friends and i constantly am saying hi to them in the hallways. What does she thin she fucking knows about my life? she knows shit. and that's the truth. She can try all she wants to be in my activities and clubs...but sometimes she just gets on my nerves and i don't want to talk to her. Oh well. She's human too. I give her reps for taking care o9of me and teaching me all the responsibilities i must need for later in life...But right now i just don't want to talk to her about problems that i don't want her to know about.. Let alone most people to know about. But i guess that's just her. she has to know EVERYTHING about me. I just don't want to tell. Maybe if she really fucking paid attention to how i am feeling (instead of yelling at me to be happy and not depressed) maybe i'd be a little more open with her about my problems. I just feel like i have no one to tell. And yet i'm not sure i want to tell anyone what's pissing me off. Maybe it'll just disappear someday and i won't have to worry about it. And other problems will just come along. It's this constant swing of undesireable future and hopeful outcomes that pushes me behind the quick. I'm lost and can't find a way home.
Mood:  frustrated
Music: Valentine==The Get Up Kids
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2002.03.15 18.02
face down in the mud, all u think about is inhaling the cleansing black paste into your mouth. too bad this is not freedom. possibly it could be a moment of insanity, but even a plea sucha as this couldn't cover up this horrible mess. finding the root of all ur strength buried deep within someone else...there are no boundaries. Only what u make of it. You can find no outlet, yet the solution is righ tin front of you. If only that outlet was pure and sanctifying would you dare to follow thorugh with the plan, but the plan cannot work. Your strength is gone, and with what you have left of yourself you want to rip to shreds. Insanity is only the beginning of depression. It's apathy and callousness that finalizes its existence..
Mood:  apathetic
Music: Don't Hate Me==The Get Up Kids
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2002.03.14 12.18
yoyo, get down wit da g-funk
so yah, today pretty much is dull in every way possible. It's kinda hard to get started on my hw, it sucks. I have a shitload i really don't want to start. It's so cool! all my friends have have jobs now (discounts!!) and i might end up goin to the movies mon wit matt. i'm not really sure what to see though. Ne suggestions? The ski trip was awesome btw!!! me and christina ended up hitting the bunnnny slope for a while. finally when we did get the courage to finally hit the big hill, we were so freakin cold we went inside the lodge only after about 10 min. (which means we went up the lift about like 2 times.) oh wel. It was still fun tho. ahh, i can't wait to go to college next yr. still don't know where yet. Ahleybabe is going somewhere in like iowa. =( *sniff* but i'll prolly keep in touch somehow (hopefully not just this retarded program=i hardly ever go on). Kissy wants to just go to AU. which i have no prob wit, but it'd be cool if she could go somewhere exciting <[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<thus [...] visit....it's>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] so yah, today pretty much is dull in every way possible. It's kinda hard to get started on my hw, it sucks. I have a shitload i really don't want to start. It's so cool! all my friends have have jobs now (discounts!!) and i might end up goin to the movies mon wit matt. i'm not really sure what to see though. Ne suggestions? The ski trip was awesome btw!!! me and christina ended up hitting the bunnnny slope for a while. finally when we did get the courage to finally hit the big hill, we were so freakin cold we went inside the lodge only after about 10 min. (which means we went up the lift about like 2 times.) oh wel. It was still fun tho. ahh, i can't wait to go to college next yr. still don't know where yet. Ahleybabe is going somewhere in like iowa. =( *sniff* but i'll prolly keep in touch somehow (hopefully not just this retarded program=i hardly ever go on). Kissy wants to just go to AU. which i have no prob wit, but it'd be cool if she could go somewhere exciting <<thus when i visit....it's worth the visit =) >>. some people are being retards lately. Like taking harmless (and i mean harmless) jokes wayyyy too seriously. They really need to grow up...But i guess that's just them. i'll post some poems soon. I keep forgetting :/ .... I really can't wait to finish the book i'm reading...it does get heated at sopme times, but overall it's a sci fi novel. I want to finish it now, but it is a long book, and i know i won't want to put it down....i'll hafta start hw sometime.....and reading a book doesn't really get that done. Mmmm, college.....i can only wait. dammit. I want it now. I have so much fun with gene, the parties, the drinks and all, but it'll all have to wait. 5 more mo's! hehe. Well see u all later. I 'll be back prolly l8r. bye!
~sway~
Mood:  peaceful
Music: down with the sickness==disturbed
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2002.03.06 12.07
*cough cough*
yea, i'm sick pretty much all this week...and it sucks, belieeeeeeve me. but besides that i'm great! track is fun, and like track, matt is fun...stil waiting to hear from Kissy if she is able to go or not...haha Kissy....ne ways, matt is so cool lately, we had our 8 mo. anniversary last fri =). We spent like the whole night wit eachother on satuday! YAYAYAYAY! Ashley-babe's makin a journal! wootwoot. Now she can be cool like me and everyone else on here! hehe.Wow, school really does suck, especially finding out which one i'll go to next yr. I just wana call and say tell me now!! the mail is way too slow for me ;P. Finally i'm leavin for my dad's this weekend... can't wait..omg omgomg...skiiing!!!!! or snowboarding!!! mmm i can taste the snow already. quote from some famous unknown movie "just when u think u know someone...u don't"....
Mood: mellow
Music: Take on Me==Real Big Fish
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2002.03.04 12.19
so today's just another lazy day at the high school of loooooove =). ashley-babe finally made it here (after a long day of writing her english assignment) and has yet to tell me whether she'sgonna come on da trip!!! the days are getting closer and i can only wait *fidgets*. I am becoming more stupified because of the stupid people around me. I guess i'll have to live with it. I still need to put in my poems! arg..if only i could remeber to do that...ne ways, Matt is fine. he has an interview today! with Giant Eagle that is. I really hope he gets the job. He deserves it bc he's been looking so hard for a job for the past few weeks. His dad threatened to take away his car away <===scary===>. but hopefully the interview goes well. Otherwise i'm going to threaten to bomb the place....or maybe never shop there again =).. Well gotta go help do some math hw. Be back later ! hehe. ~sway
Mood: bored
Music: The Plan==NOFX
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2002.02.27 19.43
errr
god i feel like i'm ramming my head into a brick wall whenever i talk to my parents. They always find a way to piss me off somehow every single day. "NO", i'm not allowed to defend myself, so the only words that ever come out r "yes" and "no". It tears me apart when they're like "u don't love us". How the hell do they know!?!?! grrrrrr...i just want them to realize i hate this shit they keep giving me. All i want is for them to understand yelling at me every second to go do something piddely for them is fukken annoying! They can get off their own damn ass and do things for themselves. Err...I have to get back to doing some more meaningless tasks. BTW, My day was horrible.
Mood:  pissed off
Music: Hate to Feel-Alice in Chains
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2002.02.25 11.50
just waistin time,
hey guys, another funfilled day onf school! Ne ways, life's grand so far...except for the 2 tests i have tomorrow. I never really have many depressing messages to put on here, so sorry for not amuzing u guys too much. I'll prolly post some poems later. Some people like em. I swear i always think about what i'm going to write in these things, but i never remember by the time i get around to it. nm, i'm just whinin. Wow, pompei is such a beautiful city =). Ashleybabe is lookin at it online right now. It's pretty cool. It has tons of anciet buildings from the romans and greeks. Alot of the murals r awesome. but enough about senseless nothings. I hear i'm going skiing!! my dad's taking me to peak and peak early this spring. It wil be sooooo much fun! and matt ur awesome! i wish u could go. Still trying to find someone to go with me skiing, but i'll eventually find someone....even if it's a bum offa the street =D. Yeeaaa, ashleybabe might be going!! woot! man i need to go shopping. The last time i went was with my cous, it kinda sucks. I need to go agani. cous u doin ne thing this weekend? it'd be cool to go since it's a 3-day weekend. But i prolly won't buy ne thing bc i'm cheap (unless we go to a thrift store or somethin). i wanna go to a dance club or somethin thurs. I'd have to find some peeps to go with though, not sure. Maybe i'll watch The Green Mile. Our school's heating suks. like all the classrooms fluctuate: "i wanna be cold" *shiver shiver* & "wanna be hottttt" *sizzle sizzle*. well, enough tlk, i'll be on later..maybe....but for now i'm gonna go play some games.
Mood:  awake
Music: clicking of a dozen mouses & tapping of a dozen keyboards=)
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2002.02.21 11.56
It's another "blah"day.
so it's my first journal! woot. I feel better today than yesterday, but i still feel like shit. My honee is ascool as evah, such a sweetheart. He bruned Fast and the Furious for me the other day. It was really supposed to go to his friend, but he let me borrow it first. =) heh, oh well. I'm still working on updating my journal settings, as i jsut started it yesterday, but it's workin out. ahh, tomorrow's friday and that's all i can think about. I wana just get this retarded week outta the way. It's been so busy with the homework i've had this week. Ashley-babe says "I love danish" hehe, she's so awesome. well i bettah get back to work, I gotta lotta crap to finish before tomorrow. cya all l8r.
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x_sway_x's journal
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